I was going to challenge myself this week and produce positive vibrations to all humans, animals, and plants around me, consciously. I soon realized after an incident that I cannot give positive and healing vibrations to others, while I am still healing.
If you know me personally, you probably know most of what has happened in my life. I was very sick in my teen years. I have recovered from many of the ailments that I surrendered to in those years. I was unable to work, go to school, or even live out of hospital grounds. In the past year, I have discovered some revolutions in my mental health. I hit rock bottom, this time last year. Around September 2016, I changed my mind into recovery mode. I chose recovery. As appealing as it seems to a disturbed mind to not be responsible for my actions, moods, or behavior is, I was ready to take responsibility over my life.
I noticed this week, I was trying to put healing vibrations into relationships that I simply am not ready to have heal yet. I noticed that the one relationship that was hardest to heal, was the relationship with myself. I have had to regain motor, verbal, and memory skills, due to the things I did to myself in the past. I have a speech impediment, I cannot remember short-term, I am constantly shaking once I get excited or scared, my voice trembles easily, I go off balance easily when I stand up or try to walk in a straight line.
I do things daily to help these things. I make lists for my memory, I have a night time and morning routine written down that I check off everyday, I memorize rap songs to work on my speech impediment, I practice Pranayama when I start to get overly emotional or manic, and I practice yoga daily to regain the strength in my bones and muscles to walk properly.
When I try and put my focus onto someone else when I am personally not healed yet is useless. For example, there is one person I always try to be positive around but I simply do not like this person. Every time I am around them its as if my energy drains, even if we don’t interact. When we do interact I see myself trying so hard to be normal, but my voice is lower with no enthusiasm. I have learned that the reasoning behind this is that I am putting SO much energy in trying to be positive around this person – I’m draining my own energy. I’m putting out my own light.
I may be recovered from severe ailments of my disease, but daily I suffer from minor conflicts internally, cravings, anger, and my need to self-destruct. This means I’m going to focus on why I feel this way around certain people, why I feel this way in certain places, certain smells, and things that are completely random.
The point of this post is to let you all know that you need to focus on yourself first. I know in Western society being your own best friend is taboo, but we need to remember the one person we are with 100% of the time. You need to appreciate that person – or no one else will. Become your own reason to recover, become your own best friend, and you will be able to spread your bliss to everything around you and you won’t even have to try.