It’s come to my attention that I may be losing my mind. I don’t mean losing my sanity when I say this but losing my memories. It’s occurred to me that this is happening with reason and I need to accept it rather than ignore it. My entire life I thought I had never experienced any ‘true trauma’ since my adolescence was spent admitted to hospital. Throughout the past year of out patient therapy I’ve come to the realization that it was for good reason.
As much as my craZee little mind wants to believe that I have never been through pain, trauma, loss, and hurt – I have, and as much as I want to believe that none of this ever happened to me – it did. As much
Mental illness doesn’t always manifest itself in external trauma. Sometimes our thoughts are horrifying, our feelings are too strong, our brains are chemically imbalanced, and our biggest abuser is ourselves. My body has fought everyday to simply keep me breathing. Bulimia causes an enormous amount of trauma on the body which personally included osteoporosis, an irregular heartbeat, low blood pressure, electrolyte imbalance, low iron, and yup – pooping problems for life 💩Benzodiazepine addiction came with loss of mobile stability, skin rashes and scarring, along with memory and concentration problems. Alcohol, which you would guess, exhaserbatted all of these issues on top of a Vitamin B1 deficiency, nerve damage, and malnutrition.
I tend to compare my thought process to sleep paralysis. Someone will ask me a question in which I will have a simple answer but I can’t put it into words and I start to stutter. It’s like having something on the tip of your tongue. My brain takes ‘a step into the archives’ and tries to find a quick solution to remove the block, but no matter how hard I search I simply cannot find the right words. By this point in the conversation the person has usually found the solution on their own.
You can’t control what happens to you but you can control what you do with it. I’m at the point in my life where I need to accept these symptoms and learn to live with them. I know that the co-occurant disorders can include times of choice and I acknowledge that I often made the destructive one. However, I am aware of my major diagnosis of BPD in which impairs my judgement and has helped manipulate me into making destructive decisions. I’m only 21 years old and I should be able to remember what I had for breakfast or if I turned the shower off.
I’m not going to blame myself for the damage of my brain just like I don’t blame myself for having Borderline Personality Disorder. I’ve had a hard life, and I wouldn’t change it for anything else. Yeah, I would love to be able to remember and have a healthy body. However, even though I lost a lot of “normal” capabilities from my illness I also gained a lot from it such as empathy, understanding, experience, love, and knowledge. My life has never been normal but it’s also never been boring.
I accept the challenges my illness has caused and I try to make peace with them. I may feel like I’m in constant sleep paralysis but I’m surrounded by people who wait for me to find my words. I may be anxious in public places but I have accommodations in place to help me. I may want to relapse but I go to treatment. I have support in my life and even though I’m losing my mind, I know it’s the most beautiful thing about me.